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He thinks about his worthless life,his worthless soul,his dry'd out eyes,he eyes the pills that stares at him as if they call for him.He thinks of how his family would feel,how his loved ones,family,and his lovely girl.He graps the pills,tear start to form as the daggers in his heart begin to stab.He is worthless,no matter what he does or trys,he always seems to sink at sea.He grabs his wine and takes the pills....his eyes begin to close.....as he drifts away...as deaths hand begins to tug...his last words..his final breath...was the most beaufiul words of all...i love you.
Had a extremely bad night and this is what i came up with...
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Originality Technique ImpactThank you for submitting to the Critique Folder at <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt="
" title="Writers--club"/>! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/l/l…" width="19" height="19" alt="
" title="La la la la"/>This was a powerful piece! You conveyed a lot of emotion in a short composition. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/> However, I do have some suggestions; after every comma you used, it would look more professional if you put a space after them.Also, since you were fairly consistent about using capitalized throughout the piece, I also feel that the closing note would look better as "I love you" with a capital I. They're small matters, to some degree of preference, but it does look more professional if you're careful with them. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>Good work!
=TheFinalHikari
Founder of #Writers--club and #LandoftheSky